Texts From Last Night
by JeffroMattyHardy
Summary: Inspired by Kermit the Yoda and Debwood-1999's work. This what happens when drunk wrestlers use their cell phones at random times of the day. OC, slash-y stuff
1. Chapter 1

**Inspired by Kermit the Yoda and Debwood-1999's work. It seemed really fun and it IS really fun:)**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but Alexis Michaels. She's mine.**

**.~.**

**To: Edge**

**From: Matt Hardy**

**Subject: Alexis Michaels**

So after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Edge**

**Subject: Alexis Michaels**

You might have found the rare bro goddess. I thought they were myth

**To: Jeff Hardy**

**From: Justin Gabriel**

**Subject: Heath Slater**

I give him blowjobs while he watches sports. How am I not his bf yet?

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

I'm transferring to Degrassi. I don't care that it's severely Canadian. Classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get out of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall

**To: Shannon Moore**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

Writing a love song to planned parenthood. What rhymes with "don't have AIDS"

**To: Christian**

**From: Chris Jericho**

Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um

**To: John Morrison**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

I just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. Tequila really lowers my standards

**To: Alex Shelley**

**From: Chris Sabin**

We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us needs to start doin drugs

**To: Chris Sabin**

**From: Alex Shelley**

Wtf? Why?

**To: Alex Shelley**

**From: Chris Sabin**

I want awesome conversations to show the world

**To: Jeff Hardy**

**From: Edge**

I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you

**To: Rob Van Dam**

**From: Ken Anderson**

They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting

**To: Alexis Michaels**

**From: The Miz**

I was playing the convince him I'm sober game through texting. I spelled most of the words right. I hope.

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?

**To: Edge**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?

**To: Ken Anderson**

**From: Rob Van Dam (school setting)**

I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition

**To: Christian**

**From: Chris Jericho**

I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified then when you dove out the car window after your credit card

**To: John Morrison**

**From: The Miz**

Where you at

**To: The Miz**

**From: John Morrison**

Assisting at a photo shoot in Williamsburg till 7ish. Wassup?

**To: John Morrison**

**From: The Miz**

Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed

**To: Christian**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

**Subject: Edge**

He kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car

**To: John Morrison**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

**Subject: Matt Hardy**

He's weird. He'll kiss me after I go down on him but he won't kiss me after I eat anything with mustard

**To: John Cena**

**From: Randy Orton**

"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?

**To: Jeff Hardy**

**From: Edge**

Is it wrong that I would like to tie you down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?

**To: Justin Gabriel**

**From: Heath Slater**

Milquetoast, coolest word ever

**To: Chris Jericho**

**From: Christian**

Why was I handcuffed to the roof?

**To: Christian**

**From: Chris Jericho**

It was easier than trying to explain why you couldn't fly

**To: Edge**

**From: Matt Hardy**

I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now I can tan while PTFO

**To: Everyone**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

**Subject: Matt Hardy**

Matt is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth"

**To: Jeff Hardy**

**From: Edge and Christian**

We have officially mastered the walk of shame

**To: Chris Jericho**

**From: John Morrison**

**Subject: The Miz**

Mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. This includes door stops, power drills, and g.i. joes

**To: John Morrison**

**From: Chris Jericho**

**Subject: The Miz**

And then my dad would be all like 'hey, mike, where's the remote?'

**To: Edge**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

Seriously….what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas?

**To: John Cena**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but Alexis Michaels. She is mine.**

**I tried something new. I searched 'TOY' in the search box. This is fun:)**

**.~.**

**To: Edge**

**From: Christian**

In case you haven't found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch

**To: John Morrison**

**From: Chris Jericho**

**Subject: Christian**

His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps

**To: Edge**

**From: Matt Hardy**

During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?

**To: The Miz**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody

**To: Evan Bourne**

**From: Justin Gabriel**

You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

There were no balls for pong so he bought cat toys….they had bells in them

**To: Chris Sabin**

**From: Alex Shelley**

She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal". I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited…

**To: John Morrison**

**From: Christian**

New swimming pool is the best sexy toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle

**To: Edge**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location

**To: Alexis Michaels**

**From: The Miz**

I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass, and all her sex toys

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

Where else am I to apply my creativity?

**To: Jeff Hardy**

**From: Matt Hardy**

I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.

**To: Shannon Moore**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

We just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. This is the fun part of "being serious"

**To: Edge**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

**Subject: Matt Hardy and Alexis Michaels**

Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower

**To: Jeff Hardy**

**From: Edge**

**Subject: Matt Hardy and Alexis Michaels**

She must've brought a toy – seriously doubt that he's up to the task

**To: Justin Gabriel**

**From: Evan Bourne**

We're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer

**To: Heath Slater**

**From: Wade Barrett**

Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys….this is a whole new level of kinky for me


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but Alexis Michaels. She's mine.**

**Typed in 'DRUNK'. Let's see what happens:)**

**.~.**

**To: The Miz**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

**To: Shannon Moore**

**From: Shane Helms**

I find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

**To: Alexis Michaels**

**From: Chris Jericho**

Heyyyy darling are you busy?

**To: Chris Jericho**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

Why hello drunk Chris. It's sober Alexis. I'll tell drunk Alexis you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night

**To: Edge**

**From: Christian**

On a scale from "impaired judgment" to "Mel Gibson", how drunk you are?

**To: Christian**

**From: Edge**

Toaster

**To: John Morrison**

**From: The Miz**

You left a note on your car that said "please don't tow, I'm too drunk to drive. Safety first!"

**To: Jeff Hardy**

**From: Shannon Moore**

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

**To: Shannon Moore**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

You said "This is gonna really confuse tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you

**To: Jeff Hardy**

**From: Shannon Moore**

This explains so much

**To: Edge**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live'. That drunk

**To: Justin Gabriel**

**From: Heath Slater**

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN

**To: John Cena**

**From: Randy Orton**

Sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. Sober me is a tricky bitch

**To: John Morrison**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

**Subject: Matt Hardy**

He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued

**To: Evan Bourne**

**From: Justin Gabriel (school setting)**

So I woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn

**To: Justin Gabriel**

**From: Evan Bourne**

What did you do?

**To: Evan Bourne**

**From: Justin Gabriel**

Turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him

**To: Christian**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk

**To: Edge**

**From: Matt Hardy (school setting)**

You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final

**To: Everyone**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?

**To: The Miz**

**From: John Morrison**

Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one

**To: Jeff Hardy**

**From: Matt Hardy**

He walked in on your at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone…and you STILL got laid. I don't get your life

**To: Rob Van Dam**

**From: Ken Anderson**

Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeeee

**To: Jeff Hardy**

**From: Ken Anderson**

Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here

**To: John Morrison**

**From: John Morrison**

This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance. I am sorry about your trashed house. Mom and dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out

**To: Christian**

**From: Edge**

Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking…told you I was better when I was drunk

**To: Edge**

**From: Christian**

I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf

**To: Jeff Hardy**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

**Subject: Matt Hardy**

He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep

**To: Evan Bourne**

**From: Justin Gabriel**

Drunken candy land NOW. Don't fight the urge….you want to

**To: Wade Barrett**

**From: Heath Slater**

Dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move

**To: Heath Slater**

**From: Wade Barrett**

That's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame

**To: Edge**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

You were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again

**To: Chris Jericho**

**From: The Miz**

The owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12 pack of red bull if I agreed to leave. My drunken antics are finally paying off

**To: John Morrison**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

**Subject: The Miz**

That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him

**To: Alexis Michaels**

**From: John Morrison**

**Subject: The Miz**

Yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him

**To: John Morrison**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

**Subject: The Miz**

Do you have to put it that way?

**To: Shane Helms**

**From: Shannon Moore**

I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before

**To: Edge**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Chris Jericho**

Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbor's lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever

**To: Edge**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

Plan d – we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls

**To: Alexis Michaels**

**From: Matt Hardy**

Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table…..Ikea this weekend?

**To: Christian**

**From: Edge**

Yea I'm supposed to have jury duty on Monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk

**To: Edge**

**From: Christian**

Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked

**To: Jeff Hardy**

**From: Shannon Moore**

I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a while new level of dangerous

**To: Evan Bourne**

**From: Justin Gabriel (school setting)**

While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack

**To: Alexis Michaels**

**From: Matt Hardy**

What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited

**To: Jeff Hardy**

**From: Shannon Moore**

I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarrassing

**To: The Miz**

**From: John Morrison**

You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands

**To: John Morrison**

**From: The Miz**

When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare…enjoy the simple things


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I only own Alexis Michaels. Nothing else.**

**This time, I typed in 'SEX'. Pretty interesting results**

**.~.**

**To: Shane Helms**

**From: Shannon Moore**

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night…and he didn't stop me

**To: Shannon Moore**

**From: Shane Helms**

How was it?

**To: Shane Helms**

**From: Shannon Moore**

Fantastic, but that's not the point

**To: The Miz**

**From: Chris Jericho**

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever

**To: Shannon Moore**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

**Subject: Edge**

In the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me…then slapped my ass and told me "back to business" …I'm gonna marry him

**To: John Morrison**

**From: The Miz**

Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex

**To: Shawn Michaels**

**From: Matt Hardy**

So, apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now I have a tanline shaped like your sister

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Shawn Michaels**

I hate you

**To: Christian**

**From: Chris Jericho**

I don't remember it, but I know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

**To: Edge**

**From: Matt Hardy**

**Subject: Alexis Michaels**

She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love

**To: Jeff Hardy**

**From: Shannon Moore**

He said I was the best sex he's ever hand, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

**To: Everyone**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex, or bacon

**To: Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater**

**From: Wade Barrett**

Why are their post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position

**To: Edge**

**From: Matt Hardy**

**Subject: Alexis Michaels**

So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said "let's make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen…naked…I'm buying the ring tomorrow

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Edge**

**Subject: Alexis Michaels**

Even the French judge on the Olympics would give that a 10

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

Just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds

**To: Alexis Michaels**

**From: Matt Hardy**

I get a bj anyways so it's really your choice

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

K I'll be over in 5

**To: Shannon Moore**

**From: Shane Helms**

What is the appropriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers

**To: Shane Helms**

**From: Shannon Moore**

6 min

**To: Alexis Michaels**

**From: Shawn Michaels**

They asked me to help them shop for lingerie

**To: Shawn Michaels**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better

**To: Alexis Michaels**

**From: Shawn Michaels**

You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for

**To: Chris Jericho**

**From: Christian**

What is college for if not random hookup sex?

**To: Christian**

**From: Chris Jericho**

Learning

**To: Chris Jericho**

**From: Christian**

I would literally fuck learning if I could

**To: John Morrison**

**From: The Miz**

So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and that's what the stain is from…bud light. Sorry

**To: Ken Anderson**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did I just get paid for sex? And if yes did I just get paid in drugs?

**To: Shane Helms**

**From: Shannon Moore**

This girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing I've ever seen

**To: Justin Gabriel**

**From: Christian**

Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one

**To: Jeff Hardy**

**From: Edge**

I really wanna talk

**To: Edge**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

If by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmallow fluff…I'm down

**To: Heath Slater**

**From: Justin Gabriel**

You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why

**To: Justin Gabriel**

**From: Heath Slater**

What did I say?

**To: Heath Slater**

**From: Justin Gabriel**

Don't ask me questions while I have an erection

**To: Jeff Hardy**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side

**To: Christian**

**From: The Miz**

There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms

**To: John Morrison**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

We were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door and rather than go out and meet her, I climbed out the window. So now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice

**To: Shannon Moore**

**From: Shane Helms**

My neighbors are having lesbo sex right now

**To: Shane Helms**

**From: Shannon Moore**

I'm on my way

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?

**To: Alexis Michaels**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

**Subject: Edge**

We had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring

**To: Justin Gabriel**

**From: Evan Bourne**

"Let's watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"

**To: Edge**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable

**To: Christian**

**From: Chris Jericho**

I have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college

**To: John Morrison**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

**Subject: Matt Hardy**

My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has

**To: Christian**

**From: Edge**

We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight

**To: Edge**

**From: Christian**

I totally agree. All sexting is on hold till after the games over

**To: Shannon Moore**

**From: Shane Helmse**

Alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I only own Alexis Michaels. No one else**

**.~.**

**To: Chris Jericho**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

I just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"

**To: Shane Helms**

**From: Shannon Moore**

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

**To: Ken Anderson**

**From: Rob Van Dam**

So I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog

**To: John Morrison**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

He said he didn't have a condom

**To: Alexis Michaels**

**From: John Morrison**

And you said?

**To: John Morrison**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

That that's fine cause I was ready to be a mom. Yeah – he magically had a condom he forgot about after that

**To: Christian**

**From: Edge**

I told you I was good to drive

**To: Edge**

**From: Christian**

Dumbass I drove…you sat in the passenger's seat and steered with a paper plate

**To: Edge**

**From: Matt Hardy**

**Subject: Alexis Michaels**

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber…I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

**To: John Morrison**

**From: The Miz**

I fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. I think I'm in love

**To: Edge**

**From: Matt Hardy**

I would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Edge**

I would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me

**To: Chris Jericho**

**From: The Miz**

Seriously iPhone. Stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. You're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable

**To: Justin Gabriel**

**From: Evan Bourne**

I'm stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

**To: Heath Slater**

**From: Justin Gabriel**

So I guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why I was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently I yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

**To: Christian**

**From: Edge**

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. My day has been officially made

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat

**To: Alexis Michaels**

**From: Matt Hardy**

You're the best girlfriend ever

**To: Edge**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

So the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM…he is my new hero

**To: The Miz**

**From: John Morrison**

Wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

**To: John Morrison**

**From: The Miz**

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

**To: Edge**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

Awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. Explanation?

**To: Jeff Hardy**

**From: Edge**

You said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets

**To: Wade Barrett**

**From: Justin Gabriel**

We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwich…

**To: Alexis Michaels**

**From: Matt Hardy**

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

Babe, don't say it like that!

**To: Alexis Michaels**

**From: Matt Hardy**

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening

**To: Jeff Hardy**

**From: Shane Helms**

**Subject: Matt Hardy and Alexis Michaels**

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

**To: Shane Helms**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

**Subject: Matt Hardy and Alexis Michaels**

I'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

**To: Shawn Michaels**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camouflage to go hunting…should I bump into him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

I made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if I failed the breathalyzer

**To: John Morrison**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hanger

**To: Alexis Michaels**

**From: John Morrison**

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick

**To: Jeff Hardy**

**From: Edge**

How do you jack off and text at the same time?

**To: Edge**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

On my iPhone they have an app for that

**To: John Morrison**

**From: The Miz**

I have to decide between the hot young blonde with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund

**To: Rob Van Dam**

**From: Ken Anderson**

My dog ran away and came back with a marijuana plant. What are you doing tonight?

**To: Alex Shelley**

**From: Chris Sabin**

So after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. I said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me don't worry I'll make it up to you'

**To: Chris Sabin**

**From: Alex Shelley**

I literally fucking hate you so fucking much

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Edge**

Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

**To: Christian**

**From: Edge**

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic

**To: John Morrison**

**From: The Miz**

Why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?

**To: The Miz**

**From: John Morrison**

You decided you wanted to name them and keep them as pets

**To: Jeff Hardy**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome

**To: Chris Sabin**

**From: Alex Shelley**

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up

**To: Alex Shelley**

**From: Chris Sabin**

What? you sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

**To: Shane Helms**

**From: Shannon Moore**

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes

**To: Edge**

**From: Christian**

A girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoodie and sweat pants. Said she was over slept. I guess she got hot and unzipped it. It was only then she realized she was sleeping without a shirt or bra

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Edge**

A lesson I learned in the hospital…when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot

**To: Ken Anderson**

**From: Rob Van Dam**

I wonder if you can grow weed on Farmville and sell it on Mafia Wars

**To: Shannon Moore**

**From: Shane Helms**

How's the party?

**To: Shane Helms**

**From: Shannon Moore**

Ists fjcssing insceredle

**To: Shannon Moore**

**From: Shane Helms**

Be there in 10

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened

**To: Chris Jericho**

**From: The Miz**

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain

**To: Christian**

**From: Edge**

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

**To: Jeff Hardy**

**From: Ken Anderson**

I just followed up on a noise complaint…only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party

**To: Ken Anderson**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

I want to be a cop

**To: Chris Shelley**

**From: Alex Sabin**

I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I only own Alexis Michaels. Only her.**

**Searched 'ALCOHOL' this time. A lot more different results then when I searched 'DRUNK'**

**.~.**

**To: Jeff Hardy**

**From: Shannon Moore**

I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Edge**

I fucking love science majors – she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log

**To: Chris Sabin**

**From: Alex Shelley**

I found a twelve pack under my bed and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel

**To: The Miz**

**From: Chris Jericho**

About to find out how well alcohol and laser tag mix

**To: Jeff Hardy**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tail, with more alcohol

**To: John Morrison**

**From: The Miz**

I got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc I was bored. My mom now supports my alcohol problem

**To: John Cena**

**From: Randy Orton**

So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead-talk, I got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, I like her dad already

**To: Rob Van Dam**

**From: Ken Anderson**

Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada? I'm not EVER coming home

**To: Edge**

**From: Christian**

As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? no alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?

**To: John Morrison**

**From: The Miz**

It's a lot easier to hide alcohol when you're wearing a toga..

**To: The Miz**

**From: John Morrison**

Everythings easier when you're wearing a toga

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

My boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. I told her there's a time in a guys life he has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. She looked so proud, I think I might get a raise

**To: Justin Gabriel**

**From: Wade Barrett**

I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol

**To: Randy Orton**

**From: John Cena**

So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together

**To: Evan Bourne**

**From: Justin Gabriel (school setting)**

My advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definitely picked the right college

**To: Alexis Michaels**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheeseburgers. I think I found my future husband

**To: Chris Jericho**

**From: Christian**

The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately

**To: Alex Shelley**

**From: Chris Sabin**

I'm sure we could have fun without alcohol but I just don't wanna chance it

**To: Justin Gabriel**

**From: Evan Bourne**

Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism

**To: Edge**

**From: Matt Hardy**

I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes

**To: John Morrison**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

So I wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off – he would know how I really feel, not just the alcohol talking

**To: Alexis Michaels**

**From: John Morrison**

How did that work out?

**To: John Morrison**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since I didn't have my reminder..

**To: Edge**

**From: Christian (school setting)**

I just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. This is certainly a warning sign

**To: Edge**

**From: Matt Hardy**

We went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. Alcohol is truly the anti-cockblocker

**To: Alex Shelley**

**From: Chris Sabin**

I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"

**To: Chris Sabin**

**From: Alex Shelley**

That was long passed due

**To: Wade Barrett**

**From: Heath Slater**

They're just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. I want them to adopt me

**To: Evan Bourne**

**From: Justin Gabriel**

No. One of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything

**To: Jeff Hardy**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish than us at our age. Challenge accepted

**To: John Cena**

**From: Randy Orton**

If I die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know I kinda expected it and totally deserved it

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give

**To: Justin Gabriel**

**From: Heath Slater (school setting)**

They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I only own Alexis Michaels. Nothing else**

**.~.**

**To: John Morrison**

**From: The Miz**

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. Huge scar on forehead. Totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Edge**

She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex"

**To: Chris Jericho**

**From: Christian**

We were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints

**To: John Morrison**

**From: The Miz**

Woke up and she was making me crepes. Definitely not the last time I fuck a culinary student

**To: Jeff Hardy**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care", and then continued fucking me

**To: Randy Orton**

**From: John Cena**

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again

**To: Ken Anderson**

**From: Rob Van Dam**

I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Shawn Michaels**

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

**To: Shawn Michaels**

**From: Matt Hardy**

I accept this challenge

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Edge**

My mother just offered to pay for my fake id

**To: John Morrison**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head

**To: The Miz**

**From: John Morrison**

Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"

**To: Christian**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband

**To: Randy Orton**

**From: John Cena**

Dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe

**To: John Cena**

**From: Randy Orton**

What is this build-a-bear? ..just gimme one that's breathing

**To: Christian**

**From: Chris Jericho**

Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him

**To: Rob Van Dam**

**From: Ken Anderson**

You were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter Pan in a fight. And I must say, you were very persuasive

**To: Edge**

**From: Christian**

Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other

**To: Christian**

**From: Edge**

Wft? What happened?

**To: Edge**

**From: Christian**

Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

Just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart

**To: Christian**

**From: Edge**

Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

**To: Alexis Michaels**

**From: John Morrison**

Banned from the zooo

**To: John Morrison**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

Again?

**To: The Miz**

**From: John Morrison**

Omg. He's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. This is unreal

**To: Ken Anderson**

**From: Rob Van Dam**

I'm really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

**To: Alexis Michaels**

**From: Matt Hardy**

Thanks for bringing me home and putting me in my bed. The pillow fort you built around me is also appreciated

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Edge**

All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

**To: Edge**

**From: Matt Hardy**

You mean bread?

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

Say it nicely

**To: Alexis Michaels**

**From: Matt Hardy**

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

**To: Christian**

**From: Chris Jericho**

I know you like preteen girls so I'm gonna offer you some advice…dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. They will come running

**To: John Morrison**

**From: The Miz**

Just got to Costco. Where are you?

**To: The Miz**

**From: John Morrison**

Liquor aisle, bring another cart

**To: Edge**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles

**To: Chris Jericho**

**From: Christian**

This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back

**To: John Cena**

**From: Wade Barrett (school setting)**

How do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?

**To: Edge**

**From: Christian**

I fucked her on my hockey bag. It doesn't get any more Canadian than that

**To: Justin Gabriel**

**From: Evan Bourne**

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

**To: Shawn Michaels**

**From: Matt Hardy**

You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Christian**

Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked

**To: The Miz**

**From: John Morrison**

You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell

**To: John Morrison**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

We just fucked in the mcds parking lot

**To: Alexis Michaels**

**From: John Morrison**

Wasn't he a virgin

**To: John Morrison**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

Yes we got celebratory milkshakes after

**To: Everyone**

**From: Edge**

This is a mass text. I just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with a coffeemaker in the hotel room. Bow before your new god

**To: Edge**

**From: Matt Hardy**

**Subject: Alexis Michaels**

She bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home…I think I might propose

**To: Justin Gabriel**

**From: Evan Bourne (school setting)**

Some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance

**To: Christian**

**From: The Miz**

I guess the cop knew I was on a walk of shame and felt bad…I got to play with the siren the rest of the way home

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Edge**

I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I now know about this?

**To: John Morrison**

**From: Chris Jericho**

I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ

**To: Heath Slater**

**From: Justin Gabriel**

This kid is using one arm to help him buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with

**To: Edge**

**From: Christian**

Dude apparently I ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won

**To: Rob Van Dam**

**From: Ken Anderson**

I got so high last night I started crying because I couldn't stop thinking about how scary space was

**To: Shannon Moore**

**From: Ken Anderson**

Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster

**To: The Miz**

**From: John Morrison**

I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up

**To: Shane Helms**

**From: Shannon Moore**

I can't find my house

**To: Shannon Moore**

**From: Shane Helms**

We dropped you off right in front! I even walked you to the steps less than 3 mins ago

**To: Shane Helms**

**From: Shannon Moore**

I'm pretty sure my house moved


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I only own Alexis Michaels. Only her, nothing else**

**.~.**

**To: Christian**

**From: Edge**

So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night

**To: Edge**

**From: Christian**

And that worked?

**To: Christian**

**From: Edge**

9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

Ask politely

**To: Alexis Michaels**

**From: Matt Hardy**

Fine. Can I please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

That's good enough

**To: John Morrison**

**From: The Miz**

Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud

**To: Jeff Hardy**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight

**To: Chris Jericho**

**From: The Miz**

Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only English she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consensual

**To: Justin Gabriel**

**From: Evan Bourne**

I literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"

**To: Everyone**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

Fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again

**To: Shannon Moore**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

Last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. My grandma hugged me and said I'm living up to the legacy. This is why my familys better than yours

**To: Chris Jericho**

**From: John Morrison**

The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

**To: Alex Shelley**

**From: Chris Sabin**

Why am I in a dog kennel?

**To: Chris Sabin**

**From: Alex Shelley**

It was for your own safety

**To: John Cena**

**From: Randy Orton**

I just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine

**To: Shannon Moore**

**From: Shane Helms**

So went to the condom shack today. Bought a condom that dresses your dick in a suit…tomorrow I'm fucking in style

**To: Edge**

**From: Christian**

Yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. I found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. I told him I was going to rock his world

**To: Christian**

**From: Edge**

And what did he say?

**To: Edge**

**From: Christian**

There were no words. He looked like a kid on Christmas morning

**To: John Morrison**

**From: The Miz**

You came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

**To: Heath Slater**

**From: Wade Barrett (school setting)**

My history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lecture and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material

**To: Shannon Moore**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

Hiding in clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity

**To: Rob Van Dam**

**From: Ken Anderson**

I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high

**To: Justin Gabriel**

**From: Heath Slater**

Why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Edge**

I just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen

**To: Chris Jericho**

**From: Christian**

You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

**To: Edge**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

**Subject: Matt Hardy**

He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins

**To: Matt Hardy, Jeff Hardy, Edge, Christian**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears…I think that involves you guys

**To: Randy Orton**

**From: John Cena**

According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant

**To: Chris Sabin**

**From: Alex Shelley**

Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me

**To: Edge**

**From: Matt Hardy**

We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons – this is literally the night of my dreams

**To: Evan Bourne**

**From Wade Barrett**

I taped Justin and Heath's heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors

**To: Edge**

**From: Christian**

You kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

**To: John Cena**

**From: Randy Orton**

Tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8…it'll only be about 15 minutes…but I think that's plenty of time for a drinking game. Key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?

**To: Randy Orton**

**From: John Cena**

Fuck yes. Lets make bingo cards

**To: The Miz**

**From: John Morrison**

4 feet of snow. Teaching the cats how to snow swim. Throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens

**To: Alexis Michaels**

**From: Matt Hardy**

Woke up this morning with a massive hangover. Walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a Julie kim sign…need answers

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

Yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your business…

**To: Ken Anderson**

**From: Rob Van Dam**

My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit

**To: Christian**

**From: Chris Jericho**

We drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

**Subject: Chris Jericho**

He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often

**To: Wade Barrett**

**From: Justin Gabriel**

I cant talk right now. We are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh

**To: Christian**

**From: Edge**

Dudeeeeee, I ordered strippers for my party

**To: Edge**

**From: Christian**

I ordered a moonbounce

**To: Christian**

**From: Edge**

Fuck, you win

**To: John Morrison**

**From: The Miz**

What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?

**To: The Miz**

**From: John Morrison**

3some

**To: John Morrison**

**From: The Miz**

You're right, stupid question

**To: Jeff Hardy**

**From: Matt Hardy**

You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option

**To: Rob Van Dam**

**From: Ken Anderson**

Dude are you gonna smoke tonight? My day was shit and I wanna get high

**To: Ken Anderson**

**From: Rob Van Dam**

Worker bees can leave…even drones can fly away…the queen is their slave

**To: Rob Van Dam**

**From: Ken Anderson**

Nevermind…I'm on the way

**To: Shane Helms**

**From: Shannon Moore**

Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Edge**

Hey man your outta milk

**To: Edge**

**From: Matt Hardy**

How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Shawn Michaels**

There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find

**To: Shawn Michaels**

**From: Matt Hardy**

So glad I found your sister

**To: Christian**

**From: Chris Jericho**

McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter! …how many u want?

**To: Chris Jericho**

**From: Christian**

All of them

**To: Evan Bourne**

**From: Justin Gabriel**

What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?

**To: John Morrison**

**From: The Miz**

Doctor said I have sports induced asthma

**To: The Miz**

**From: John Morrison**

Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape"

**To: Alexis Michaels**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

Bring the vodka

**To: Jeff Hardy**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

I thought we were going to mcdonalds…?

**To: Alexis Michaels**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

We are


	9. Chapter 9

**Tired of putting a disclaimer. Read it in another chapter **

**.~.**

**To: Edge**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch Samsung and a box of pop tarts

**To: John Cena**

**From: Randy Orton**

I don't want a singing card. It disturbs my hangover. Give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. Happy vday baby

**To: The Miz**

**From: John Morrison**

How was your day?

**To: John Morrison**

**From: The Miz**

Fuck the small talk. Are you bringing the liquor tonight or am I?

**To: Christian**

**From: Chris Jericho**

Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times

**To: Ken Anderson**

**From: Shannon Moore (school setting)**

I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so I sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie

**To: Edge**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole

**To: John Morrison**

**From: The Miz**

**Subject: Chris Jericho**

I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for at least a day' and I trust my drunk self

**To: Edge**

**From: Matt Hardy**

So when Alexis was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister

**To: Randy Orton**

**From: John Cena**

I will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka

**To: John Cena**

**From: Randy Orton**

Do I get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?

**To: Justin Gabriel**

**From: Evan Bourne (school setting)**

Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building

**To: Evan Bourne**

**From: Justin Gabriel**

OMG THAT WAS YOU?

**To: Edge**

**From: Matt Hardy**

**Subject: Alexis Michaels**

She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. I'm now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance

**To: Chris Jericho**

**From: The Miz**

Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this Gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever

**To: Shannon Moore**

**From: Shane Helms**

I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying

**To: John Morrison**

**From: The Miz**

NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016…

**To: The Miz**

**From: John Morrison**

God I fucking love America

**To: Justin Gabriel**

**From: Wade Barrett (school setting)**

For a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college

**To: Edge**

**From: Christian**

Last night I found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. Awesome

**To: Rob Van Dam**

**From: Ken Anderson**

I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am

**To: Christian**

**From: Edge**

YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!

**To: Shannon Moore**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

Fireball beer pong. Youre missing out

**To: Jeff Hardy**

**From: Shannon Moore**

How is that even possible?

**To: Shannon Moore**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

Oven gloves

**To: Jeff Hardy**

**From: Shannon Moore**

Be there in ten

**To: The Miz**

**From: John Morrison**

Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were too pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you pick me up?

**To: John Morrison**

**From: The Miz**

You're dead to me

**To: Alexis Michaels**

**From: John Morrison**

There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart

**To: John Morrison**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

That's funny. Are they weird looking?

**To: Alexis Michaels**

**From: John Morrison**

OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS

**To: Evan Bourne**

**From: Justin Gabriel**

Next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave

**To: Justin Gabriel**

**From: Evan Bourne**

And miss being on the news…now way

**To: Chris Sabin**

**From: Alex Shelley**

I found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own

**To: Jeff Hardy**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

My bra broke…so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss

**To: Edge**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ

**To: John Morrison**

**From: The Miz**

Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away

**To: Christian**

**From: Chris Jericho**

Miz noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times

**To: Edge**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

Clothes are such an inconvenience

**To: Evan Bourne**

**From: Justin Gabriel**

On ecstasy, in Ikea, this is incredible

**To: Christian**

**From: Edge**

I wish they made sweatshirts for legs

**To: Edge**

**From: Christian**

You mean pants?

**To: Alex Shelley**

**From: Chris Sabin**

What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy

**To: Rob Van Dam**

**From: Ken Anderson**

My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed

**To: Chris Jericho**

**From: John Morrison**

We found you under the sink…we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing Indian in the cupboard

**To: Jeff Hardy**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in

**To: Alexis Michaels**

**From: Matt Hardy (school setting)**

A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it

**To: John Morrison**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Edge**

Turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"

**To: Justin Gabriel**

**From: Evan Bourne (school setting)**

Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head…just saying

**To: Wade Barrett**

**From: Heath Slater (school setting)**

The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers…You should at least give back 60 of them

**To: Rob Van Dam**

**From: Ken Anderson**

I'm really high, and this is soooooooooooo important. How many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?

**To: Christian**

**From: Edge**

**Subject: Matt Hardy**

Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is

**To: Chris Jericho**

**From: Christian**

Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand

**To: Jeff Hardy**

**From: Edge**

The ice cream truck is coming omgomg

**To: Edge**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

Dude, it's 2 am

**To: Jeff Hardy**

**From: Edge**

But its COMING


	10. Chapter 10

**To: John Morrison**

**From: The Miz**

I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son

**To: Jeff Hardy**

**From: Edge**

I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck

**To: Everyone**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?

**To: Alex Shelly**

**From: Chris Sabin**

Bl I w

**To: Chris Sabin**

**From: Alex Shelley**

This should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel

**To: John Morrison**

**From: The Miz**

The karaoke bar doesn't have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue

**To: Edge**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

Are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?

**To: Jeff Hardy**

**From: Edge**

Bc I get to see you. Naked

**To: Christian**

**From: Chris Jericho**

Blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes

**To: Alexis Michaels**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!

**To: John Cena**

**From: Randy Orton**

I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!

**To: Randy Orton**

**From: John Cena**

Please elaborate on, "at least one ear"

**To: John Morrison**

**From: The Miz**

So yeah I told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "I still don't want to fuck him". I tried

**To: Chris Jericho**

**From: Christian**

We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you

**To: Jeff Hardy**

**From: Ken Anderson**

So high and I think I just ordered a magic bullet

**To: Ken Anderson**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

Did you call within the first 18 minutes? Can I have the free one?

**To: Evan Bourne**

**From: Justin Gabriel (school setting)**

I got lost in a forest last night. This morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 tree on campus

**To: Alex Shelley**

**From: Chris Sabin**

I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. Today is gonna be awesome

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Edge**

I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way

**To: Chris Sabin**

**From: Alex Shelley**

So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again

**To: John Morrison**

**From: Chris Jericho**

People are handing out Olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky Canadian government, very sneaky

**To: Edge**

**From: Matt Hardy**

**Subject: Alexis Michaels**

She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry

**To: Evan Bourne**

**From: Justin Gabriel**

I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse

**To: John Morrison**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on

**To: Alexis Michaels**

**From: John Morrison**

What will that accomplish?

**To: John Morrison**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on

**To: The Miz**

**From: ?**

Come over

**To: ?**

**From: The Miz**

Yeah sure

**To: ?**

**From: The Miz**

Wait who is this again? My contacts got deleted…but tell me and I'll be there in 10

**To: John Cena**

**From: Randy Orton**

Watchout when you come home, wades at the top of the stairs naked eating Doritos

**To: Christian**

**From: Chris Jericho**

Just threw the rents a curveball by making French toast and bacon when I came home sober. Good luck tellin when I'm high/drunk now

**To: Edge**

**From: Matt Hardy**

We had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. I've never seen you happier

**To: Justin Gabriel**

**From: Evan Bourne**

There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. Its too entertaining to call the cops

**To: Randy Orton**

**From: John Cena**

Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up

**To: Edge**

**From: Christian**

A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our Christmas card

**To: John Morrison**

**From: The Miz**

These 2 russian guys walked past me and I got freaked out because I thought call of duty got real

**To: Jeff Hardy**

**From: Shannon Moore**

At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends

**To: Shannon Moore**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

At about the same time you guys weren't burritos

**To: Alexis Michaels**

**From: John Morrison**

I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store

**To: Edge**

**From: Christian**

You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?

**To: Christian**

**From: Edge**

You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life

**To: John Morrison**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

**Subject: Where's the Miz?**

He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius

**To: Alexis Michaels**

**From: Matt Hardy**

Grab my backpack…its in the fridge

**To: Christian**

**From: Edge**

This kid is drunk

**To: Edge**

**From: Christian**

I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and no some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted

**To: John Cena**

**From: Randy Orton**

How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules

**To: Jeff Hardy**

**From: Edge**

Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it

**To: Rob Van Dam**

**From: Ken Anderson**

I was so high last night that I'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive…I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes

**To: Alexis Michaels**

**From: The Miz**

Quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate

**To: Justin Gabriel**

**From: Heath Slater**

I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"

**To: Christian**

**From: Edge**

I want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when I take a girl to my room

**To: Wade Barrett**

**From: Justin Gabriel**

**Subject: Drunk Slater**

He was wearing a speedo fashioned out of American flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot…raising the American flag like that"

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Christian**

Walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?

**To: Alexis Michaels**

**From: Matt Hardy**

Can we take a shower together?

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

No need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing

**To: John Morrison**

**From: The Miz**

Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland – guys just passed out cold in front of us – first drug overdoes of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed

**To: Justin Gabriel**

**From: Evan Bourne**

In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does

**To: Edge**

**From: Christian**

No, no, no. omg. I said I wanted a SANDWICH! Not a picture of your dick. Damn cant you read? SANDWICH! Now I'm blinded. Great job


	11. Chapter 11

**To: Justin Gabriel**

**From: Wade Barrett (school setting)**

They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

You supply the liquor and I'll "accidentally" forget my bathing suit

**To: Alexis Michaels**

**From: Matt Hardy**

Deal!

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

Stop introducing me to people as your little sister

**To: Jeff Hardy**

**From: Matt Hardy**

I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother

**To: Heath Slater**

**From: Justin Gabriel (school setting)**

I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again

**To: Justin Gabriel**

**From: Heath Slater**

We better fuck soon then

**To: Shannon Moore**

**From: Shane Helms**

May or may not have received head in the car before we came in

**To: Shane Helms**

**From: Shannon Moore**

First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats

**To: Edge**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

If I die I have 2 requests. One a Viking funeral pyre and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone

**To: John Morrison**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

**Subject: Me and Matt**

So, the parking garage attendant caught us humping in the car. Long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! Take that abstinence

**To: Rob Van Dam**

**From: Ken Anderson**

Just watched paranormal activity stoned. Laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. Eating Doritos. I love my life

**To: Christian**

**From: Chris Jericho**

Gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar

**To: Chris Jericho**

**From: Christian**

I need you to use more vowels

**To: Christian**

**From: Edge**

You're at medical school. I'm eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a Monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you

**To: Alexis Michaels**

**From: Matt Hardy**

I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know I'll be the one fucking you

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

That was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary

**To: John Morrison**

**From: The Miz**

I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo

**To: Randy Orton**

**From: John Cena**

The bank didn't screw up, I spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night

**To: Christian**

**From: Edge**

I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!" out from different balconies

**To: John Morrison**

**From: Chris Jericho**

Swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. This is intense

**To: Shane Helms**

**From: Shannon Moore**

I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hands fits the handprint bruise on my ass…I feel like the Cinderella of S&M

**To: Christian**

**From: Chris Jericho**

The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it

**To: Alexis Michaels**

**From: John Morrison**

Hey I never found my wallet but I did find a 14 soft taco supremes

**To: John Morrison**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos

**To: Chris Jericho**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job

**To: Jeff Hardy**

**From: Chris Jericho**

Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud

**To: Justin Gabriel**

**From: Evan Bourne**

You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa

**To: Edge**

**From: Matt Hardy**

**Subject: John Morrison, me, and Alexis Michaels**

Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship

**To: John Morrison**

**From: The Miz**

We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out

**To: Christian**

**From: Edge**

Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear

**To: Everyone**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

Y do pigs give u truffles on Farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!

**To: John Cena**

**From: Randy Orton**

I just looked at my iPhone gps history… "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible"

**To: Jeff Hardy**

**From: Ken Anderson**

This guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Edge**

Adam has been drinking

**To: Edge**

**From: Matt Hardy**

Who has his phone

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Edge**

Adam does

**To: Chris Jericho**

**From: Christian**

A stripped just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality

**To: The Miz**

**From: John Morrison**

I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15

**To: Edge**

**From: Jeff Hardy**

I'm in Michaels with Alexis and I see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one

**To: Evan Bourne**

**From: Justin Gabriel**

I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page

**To: Justin Gabriel**

**From: Evan Bourne**

Nobody is perfect

**To: Evan Bourne**

**From: Justin Gabriel**

I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other

**To: Heath Slater**

**From: Wade Barrett (school setting)**

Just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! Score!

**To: Wade Barrett**

**From: Heath Slater**

Why is this not a picture message?

**To: The Miz**

**From: John Morrison**

Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave

**To: Edge**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilettos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet

**To: Christian**

**From: Edge**

I'm making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight

**To: Edge**

**From: Christian**

Oh, you finally did the dishes then?

**To: Christian**

**From: Edge**

No, bought new ones

**To: John Cena**

**From: Randy Orton**

Guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughin and hasn't called an ambulance

**To: Matt Hardy**

**From: Edge**

We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This…Have You?

**To: Ken Anderson**

**From: Rob Van Dam**

These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow

**To: Shawn Michaels**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

Do you want me to make hamburgers?

**To: Alexis Michaels**

**From: Shawn Michaels**

I'm vegan

**To: Shawn Michaels**

**From: Alexis Michaels**

I'll put lettuce on them

**To: Christian**

**From: Edge**

I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down

**To: Edge**

**From: Christian**

You mean inside out

**To: Christian**

**From: Edge**

No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist


End file.
